Hi friends! Do you remember the spoof stories from way back when? We can all thank (er, blame?) twitter for all of it. But – what inspired this round was of course, a tweet. This one right here.
Today we have David Faulkner sharing the story he wrote inspired by that image. You’ll want to read this one – promise!
“I had fuck all to do with it.” I’m getting tired of their questions and my patience has worn thin, “Now charge me or let me go.”
“You’re free to go—but don’t leave town,” the detective says to my back.
I bound out of there, hop quickly down the steps of the police station, and don’t look back until I get to the bus terminal.
“One way to Alice, Texas please,” I put cash on the counter, the bored ticket agent never even glances my way, just prints out my bus pass without a word.
“Damn it Alice, what have you done?” I mutter to myself.
“Hey buddy, looks like you could use one of these,” a man in a pullover that looks like it hasn’t seen the inside of a washing machine in years sits down on the bus bench next to me. He pulls a cigarette pack out of his dingy pocket.
“Thanks, I could but I gave ’em up.”
“You sure?” he asks waving the pack under my nose.
The smell sets my nose to twitching. “Fine, I’ll take it but I won’t light it.”
“Hey, can I ask you something?” he slurs and it’s then that the alcohol stench permeates the cigarette smell.
“Sure, whatcha got?”
“Are you really a talking bunny or am I hallucinating again?” he asks, his eyes squinty, watery, and red rimmed.
“I’m a hare and yes, I’m talking.
One Year Ago
“You must be Alice,” I greeted the couple, “Hello, White.”
“Cousin…” White held out a paw. “Count on you to show up to the family reunion in human form.”
“It’s not like I can change nature. One month hare, one month human. Don’t blame me that the hares and rabbits are on opposite schedules.”
“Yes. Well.” White paused and I read loud and clear his perceived superiority. “Alice, my dear, shall we?” he placed his paw on Alice’s back and walked off to join his family.
“So I take it there’s no love lost between your family and White’s?” a sultry female voice asked.
Turning I saw Alice walking down the garden path. “No, they’ve always felt superior,” I told her.
“Why?” she asked stepping close to me.
“Like I said we’re on opposite schedules. We’re hares on even months and they are rabbits during odd months. Because they are human during Christmas, when rabbit is often served, they feel superior.”
“For that they feel superior? That’s pretty petty.” Alice leaned into me and whispered, “You seem superior to me in every way,” then she kissed me.
“There’s somethin’ not right about that girl,” my mother’s voice was tinny over the phone making her already prim voice sound shrill.
While she’d not been at the reunion she’d heard from my cousin what had happened.
“And for her to kiss you like that with White right behind her. That just ain’t right.”
“Mother, it wasn’t like that,” I defended Alice, “yes, she kissed me but she didn’t know White would see us.”
“Son, I love you but sometimes you’re dumb as a bunny. She knew exactly what she was doing she…”
“Mother, I’ve got to go. We can talk about this later,” I spoke quickly and hung up the phone.
Mothers are always right. Alice moved in with me a week later. A year to the day after that, the day after I took my hare form, she disappeared and stole everything I had.
“It’s not that funny,” I admonished White when he called the next day.
“Oh yes it is. Your mom called mine who called my sister who called me to tell me what happened,” he said trying to get his laughter under control. “You stole my woman and she stole all your shit. Karma’s a bitch,” still laughing the phone went dead.
“No officer, two D’s and two L’s. Yes, that’s right. L-i-d-d-e-l-l. Well, yes, I know that’s three L’s. I meant there are two together at the end of her name. No. No. Alice. A-l-i-c-e. No, sir, I’m sure you know how to spell Alice. Okay, thank you,” and with a sigh I hung up the phone.
I’d called 911 to report the robbery. Since the robbery had already taken place and I was in no immediate danger, I was told to call the sheriff’s office directly. I didn’t hold out much hope after speaking with the detective so I was caught by surprise when the phone rang thirty minutes later and caller ID showed it was the police department.
“This is Detective Snow. I thought you should know we did some checking and Ms. Liddell has a warrant out for her arrest. A town called Wonderland. Never heard of it myself but that’s what the warrant says. Now if she should contact you or even return home let us know.”
“Will do Detective. May I ask what the warrant’s for?” I asked out of curiosity.
“It says theft of a…this can’t be right…theft of a shrinking potion? Let me look into this more and I’ll get back to you. Damn autocorrect fucks up everything.” I tried to thank him but he was already gone. Shrinking potion…so she wasn’t lying about that…and it worked!
“Ticket please,” I hand my ticket up to the driver. I suppose he’s seen stranger things than a hare on a bus because he doesn’t say a word. I sit at the back, pull out my iPod, and listen to music during the four-hour ride. A ride that, if in human form, would only take about two hours by car but in hare form—I can’t reach the pedals.
Alice, Texas population 1,489 reads the sign. I hop off the bus and am about to ask directions to the local hotel when I see it across the street. It’s a white stucco two-story building with a pool that probably hasn’t been cleaned since Nixon was in office. With only eight rooms per floor it takes me no time at all to sniff out Alice’s room. I knock.
“I see you got my postcard,” Alice says after letting me inside. I hop up on the bed.
The postcard arrived the day after my call to the police. I’ll explain everything. Can’t wait to see you. The front of the card was the Alice population sign I spotted coming into town.
“Alice, Texas? Isn’t that a little too on the nose?”
“Don’t get twitchy; remember KISS…keep it simple stupid. If the cops got the postcard they’d likely think I was throwing them off the scent. Sending them down a bunny trail,” Alice laughs at her own jokes.
“I’m glad you find yourself amusing,” I say with a chuckle only to be sobered remembering my brush with the law earlier in the day. “The police had me down at the station. Evidently they have you on camera ‘casing a bank’.”
“Casing a bank. That’s a good one,” Alice rolls her eyes. “A little formula, I go under the vault door, I shrink the money, and I’m out. Easy peasy.”
“It worked!?” I say amazed, “I mean I thought it might when I saw my furniture gone and then when a detective mentioned a warrant for theft of a shrinking potion I was even more sure but…but wow!”
“Shit, I almost forgot,” and with a sweeping gesture Alice opens the adjoining door. Inside the room is much of my furniture.
“Of course it did! If it worked on me then it’d work on inanimate objects.” Alice pulls a bottle out of her luggage. The tag on the bottle reads, “DRINK ME”.
“One drop on each piece of furniture and down in size they went. It took two drops to get them small enough to carry in my hands,” Alice adds.
“And you’ve been able to replicate the contents?”
“I’ve not spent the last century studying chemistry for nothing. All the ingredients can be found in Wonderland. And that’s where you come in,” she looks at me expectantly.
I hesitate knowing I probably won’t like what comes next, “What do you need?”
“The warrant out for my arrest in Wonderland? It’s more a…wanted dead or alive kind of thing.”
I’m already shaking my head, “Somehow I’m not surprised.”
“I want you to go and retrieve the items I need for the potion,” she hands me a list of the items, most of which I’ve never heard of.
“I don’t know what a caterpillar mushroom is or duchess pepper?”
“Don’t worry, turn the list over, I’ve drawn descriptions when needed and locations of most of the items.”
I left the next day for Wonderland. The flight to England was uneventful and the hole was right where Alice said it would be.
I give the all clear knock and Alice opens the hotel room door. The Queen’s guards are first in the room. They throw her down and have her quickly handcuffed.
“What have you done?! What the fuck have you done?” her screams muffled by the carpet.
One guard holds her down while another goes through her luggage.
“Alice, my dear, for the price on your head I’ll never have to work another day in my life and those damn rabbits won’t be able to look down on me ever again. Plus, the Queen has promised me all the shrinking formula I want,” I pause dramatically, “as well as the solution for making things grow again…something you failed to tell me about. I knew something was up when I realized that was not my furniture in the other room.”
“How did you…” Alice begins.
“I spilled soda on one of the couch cushions. I couldn’t clean it so I just flipped it over. There’s no stain on that couch. Were you going to shrink me and leave me that size?”
“Here you go,” says the guard who went through Alice’s luggage and he hands me the bottle with the DRINK ME label as well as a wrapped slice of cake with a label, EAT ME. “The growth formula tastes like shit, you’ll want to bake it into something,” he says by way of explanation.
“You bastards,” she screams again, “I can’t believe…” and then a hood goes over her head muffling her screams as she is led away.
Whew! That took a turn! Thank you so much, David! So what’d you all think? Did you know ALBTALBS has had authors write spoof stories in the past? You can find them here! 😀 And if you want to read spoof stories that are were-specific … we’ve got those! Read ’em here! Yes, that’s a different link!
If you were too lazy to click before, and I don’t blame you cuz I often am … This was the image.
— Louise Acheson (@ach0) May 28, 2017