So today is The Romance Man’s birthday. He promised me a post. I don’t have it yet … but he said it’s forthcoming. His excuse was “a work emergency.”
Do we believe him my friends? (Actually I do, and will update/change this when he finally sends it to me.) However, knowing his work schedule has been insane the past ~year, and also how things have been going at ALBTALBS and my “luck” with posts, (and fucking firefox), I had previously come up with a plan.
I’m going to reveal RM’s real name to you throughout the day. (I’d say every hour I’d post a new letter but we all know I’m not that on task.) And to RM … well if I had your damn email I could tell you about my fun little game.
First letter? R
Second letter: S
Third letter: A
Fourth letter: T
Fifth letter: D
Sixth letter: B
Some of the letters repeat. … Any guesses? 😀
Hahahahaha sorry. Yes, the gig is up. The letters are for RAT BASTARD. 😛 I wouldn’t actually disclose someone’s real name unless they were ok with it. (I mean, “look” at me.) Also though I’ve totally called him that “to his face” so it’s ok. He’ll answer to it. *angelface*
I will say though, the name that RM signed on his email was Shaniqua. Soooooo >.> who knows what else there might be that he’s not telling us. [Especially since he tied it to his romanceman email which no longer works… Curiouser and curiouser…]
He really needs no introduction. So without further ado… The Romance Man!
This is my second guest post for Limecello and I am not going to write my original post about oral sex. All of you are women and it is unlikely you will be giving oral sex to another woman (although there is nothing at all wrong with that and maybe you should give it a try and then go on my blog and tell us about it) so it would be pointless. Instead I thought I would write about this new trend that is happening ever since Fifty Shades was published. Their are people out there actually drawing up sexual contracts so I decided I needed one with my wife to make sure I get the necessary lovin’ I need. After minutes of negotiations here is the final contract:
Lexie’s demands for RM
1. For every blow job you get you must take the kids to the park for 3 hours 2 hours
2. You must shave your face before sex to avoid vaginal irritation
3. If you want sex you must clean the kitchen and bathrooms first
4. You must sleep in the wet spot
5. If I have at least two orgasms I will get a towel and put it over the wet spot
6. If I have a clitoral and vaginal orgasm I will let you have the extra pillow
7. Don’t try and talk dirty. You suck at it and it makes you look stupid
8. If am on top of you and you yell “Yippy Kayay Mother Fucker” again sex will stop immediately
9. If we are having doggie style sex and you “accidentally” hit the wrong hole again sex will stop immediately
10. If you ever again talk to my pussy in the cookie monster voice I will hit you
RM’s demands for Lexie
1. You must assume the “present” position and pass before sex starts 1. You must fix me a sandwich after sex 1. You must help me fix a sandwich after sex
1. When I am fixing a sandwich after sex you must tell me where the mayonnaise is if I can’t find it 2. You must swallow 2. You must swallow sometimes
2. You must be in the same room as me when I have an orgasm 3. Every time I stroke your clit with my tongue you must count “one stroke, two strokes” etc and you have to say it like Count Dracula 3. After sex you must say “No one knows how to fuck like The Matador”
3 If you are sitting on my face you must pay attention to my face to make sure I am breathing 4. Whenever you are giving me a blow job you cannot neglect the balls
4. Every once in a while you must touch my balls 5. If I give you three or more orgasms you have to sleep in the wet spot 5. You must have sex with me whenever I want
5. You must have sex with me whenever you want
One of the cool things that has happened since I started this blog is all of the cool friends I have made. One of them is Kate Douglas and she lets me give away one of her books every time I guest blog. So leave a comment and win a copy of either Dream Bound or Crystalfire. The giveaway is international.
… I don’t even know what to say. Other than Lexie (The Romance Man’s Wife) is obviously a good sport. So what do you think? Have you written a Sex Contract? RM also told me this is what gave him the inspiration, in case you wanted to check it out.
So… if you’ve been around for a while, you know I wanted to do a feature on Men Who Read Romance. I thought it’d be an interesting counter part to the guest readers we have each month. I then started asking around, but then Thea Harrison had the same idea about ~2 weeks later, and her response was overwhelming, so I tabled mine. (Then also people were all “well Iwant to hear what women have to say.” And I had to very nicely say I already do that. In fact, on Saturday we’ve got SonomaLass visiting with us.
But the point is – as part of my original search, The Romance Man burst onto the scene in romance land and he’s kinda a big deal. He’s got quite the following, and I can’t imagine the harem he’d have if he ever went to one of the conferences. (I think his wife should tease him mercilessly about that, but I don’t know RM or Lexie that well.) Anyway, I got him to agree to guest every other month. I told him he could talk about anything he wanted to. And he can. I just suggested for the first post, he write an introduction of sorts. He has a pretty good “About” page on his site – I thought he’d just do a few sentences, then go into what he offered to write initially. (Which I guess/imagine will show up in September.)
This is what he sent.
I would like to apologize up front. I wanted to write a blog about the proper way to stimulate the clitoris because it is the only thing in the world I am good at but Limecello insisted I write an introduction and she is very bossy – (I don’t know why people say that…>.>) so I will have to save that blog for another time. That was a really long fucking sentence I think there should have been a comma somewhere.
My name is Wrath and I have a blog called The Romance Man. You can google it and it is on page 15,473. Ok I lied my real name isn’t Wrath but that’s what my wife calls me ever since she read Dark Lover. I am forty-two years old and I live in Florida. I am a small business owner and the father of three beautiful girls that are allegedly mine.
About eight months ago I read my first romance novel and I have been hooked ever since. The book was Because of You by Jessica Scott. I really liked it and I began reading more and more books. I was surprised at how good these books were because I thought, like a lot of people, that romance novels were stupid books written for stupid women. I had fallen into that whole elitist, romance novels aren’t real literature bullshit. I have come to find out that romance readers and writers are some of the smartest women I have ever met. My blog has become pretty popular and I talk to these women all the time and they are smart, educated women and they get a bad rap from the dickhead critics in the world who think they know good writing but could never write a book themselves. My readers are called the BBL’s and they are incredibly bright women who have read every romance novel ever written. They often recommend books to me and have even taken over reviewing books for my blog.
I am still a novice and have not read many books but I know what I like. Paranormal is not really my thing. I have a hard time relating to characters that aren’t real. I have read one historical and I liked it but mostly contemporary romance is what I like. I have been very surprised at the talented writers in the romance community and their ability to continually create new ideas.
I think that men are missing a big opportunity by not reading these books – they are like a blueprint for what women like. When I started reading them I would read them in bed at night with my wife and had a very positive effect on our marriage and sex life. Most importantly it gave us something to talk about.
It pisses me off now when I hear people refer to romance as “mommy porn”. The fact is I don’t read these books for the sex – if I wanted that I would just watch porn. I read them because they are well written books with good story lines and they are entertaining. I will continue to read them and recommend them to other people – especially men. That is the goal of my blog – to get men to read these books because I think it is something that can bring them closer to their wives. Essentially I am like Oprah except I am white and have a penis.
Me again. Incidentally – I think y’all should know. After numerous emails (and tweets) back and forth with RM… this is/was his state. And confession – I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s like in general. Yes, complete with the lights and techno. Shhh don’t tell him. 😉 Actually, haha, he brought it up first. 😛