Condoms Don’t Like Teeth (Guest Katie Porter Vents)

Condoms Don’t Like Teeth
By Katie Porter

It really seems like this should be a fairly straight forward concept. Condoms are thin. Super, duper thin, and we all know why—to increase the sexy times fun feelings, of course. Hell, Trojan condoms were sold by the tag line “Feels like nothing is there!” Of course that calls to mind plenty of other…shortcomings? Shall we say?

But we get the point. (Omg. Unintentional pun, I swear.)

Now. What do we need to keep away from condoms? Sharp things. Just like a balloon, condoms are poppable. And what’s at the front of our mouths? Sharp implements designed for cutting bites of meat off your food. Your teeth.

So why in the name of god would you rip open a condom wrapper with your teeth? Do you really want to put a microscopic hole in something that’s protecting your sexual health?

Which brings me to my point: I am SO VERY sick of reading this action in contemporary romance novels. In my head, they get five points for mentioning condoms—and then fifty bajillion points taken away for “ripping the condom open with his teeth.” I would personally rather have no mention of condoms. In that case, I can fill in the blanks just like I fill in heroines stopping to pee and brush their teeth in the morning. Maybe that level doesn’t need to be on the page, that’s fine.

But please God, don’t show me the characters being stupid about it! I get it’s supposed to indicate eagerness. The hero’s really into her, I understand that. I probably also understood it when he was walking about the pages with permanent priapism and when h thinks of naughty things whenever he looks at the heroine, but I liked that part. It’s lusty, not stupid. (Well, maybe a wee bit stupid too. But not all.) I mean, didn’t these characters have ninth grade sex ed? Maybe they were too busy gathering up a tragic back-story to go to boring ole’ sex education.

Now, in closing, I’m going to leave you with a spectacularly cringe inducing example. It’s not from a romance novel (thank the sweet baby jebus) but I’m hoping it’ll…stick around in your head a little while. A what-not-to-do, shall we say?

When he ripped the condom packet open with his slightly snaggled teeth and rolled the latex onto his birthmarked penis.

Leah from Hold ’Em never chews on her condom packets. Nor does she truck with snaggled teeth or imperfect penises.  Of course she whacks Captain Michael Templeton, her hero, with a flogger, a cane and a paddle, but that’s an entirely different blog post. Neither do Ryan nor Jon, the heroes from the first two Vegas Top Guns ever rip a condom open with their teeth, either. (See what I did there? So pluggy. It’s a failing of mine.) No condoms will ever be hurt in the writing of Katie Porter books, this I swear!


Up next for Katie Porter, the co-writing team of Carrie Lofty and Lorelie Brown:

Now that the first three of the RT BookReviews 4½ Star Top Pick “Vegas Top Guns” series have been released, readers can anticipate the final two installments, Hard Way and Bare Knuckle, in 2013.

November brings the m/m Christmas-themed Came Upon a Midnight Clear, described as “masterful” by Publishers Weekly. In January, Lead and Follow  will launch the five-part “Club Devant” series of erotic multi-partner romances set in a hot New York City burlesque club.

Where to find us: website, Twitter: @MsKatiePorter, or individually: @carrielofty and @LorelieBrown

We’d like to give away a copy of Double Down, Inside Bet or Hold ‘Em (winner’s choice) in any format. Just answer the question: Did you know it’s a bad thing to nibble on condoms?

Thanks again to Limecello for letting me vent!

0 thoughts on “Condoms Don’t Like Teeth (Guest Katie Porter Vents)

  1. JenB

    Lube tastes nasty; that’s good enough reason not to open a condom wrapper with my teeth. Does it bug you when characters perform toothy blowjobs with condoms, then use the possibly damaged condom for penetration? Yeah, dumb.

    But you know what really annoys me? That all condoms in romance novels come packaged in FOIL wrappers. Sure, the wrappers might be silvery and shiny, but since when is everything shiny made of foil? Most condom wrappers are plastic. Or even foil-and-plastic-lined paper. But not just FOIL. Even a 5-second Google Image search can tell you that.

    Wheeeee! Editor rant! That was fun!!! 😀 I’m pretty sure I need to win a Katie Porter book. Gimme.

  2. Melody May

    To be honest I never thought to rip a condom packet with your teeth. Now that you mention it, it is mentioned a lot. My question is why would you want to nibble on a condom. Come on latex is not a pleasant taste to have.

  3. Tracy V. Nickels

    Not that I know anything about condoms. But they are latex right and any miss handling with tearing the package open with teeth, snagging one on a tooth, will bring on disaster. But don’t those things have a tear here notch on the thing some where. I’m single never married, I don’t like sex, read ok, no do.

  4. juliabroadbooks

    You know, I honestly didn’t know that. In my defense, I’ve been married for a couple of decades now, so I’m not super aware of the safe sex thing. But now that I know, I’ll never look at another condom biter in the same way again. I think someone needs to write one where the guy bites the condom wrapper and then BAM!, she’s pregnant.

    This may also explain the crazy virility of the Romancelandia heroes.

  5. June M.

    I am with JenB and Melody May, lube and latex taste nasty, why put them near your mouth? But they even make “flavored” condoms. Can imagine how many have had holes put in them & “failed” due to this?

  6. Shannon

    You give the best advice. “No teeth near condoms”…check. I’m putting that right next to “Don’t wear a pony tail if you’re a fill-in-the-blank-agent so the bad guy can’t grab you by the hair and slam you against the wall.”

  7. Booklover1335

    Hey Carrie & Lorelei!

    It is in a lot of romance novels 🙂 As well as the foil wrapper thing. All too true, LOL. It never really bothered me before, but going forward I know it will because at the back of my mind I’ll be remembering this post, LOL.

    I’ve read the first two books in this series and really loved them. Especially Double Down. I have some mad love for that book! And I am so excited to learn about what’s coming up!!!

    Thanks for such great reading.

  8. Maureen

    You do see that in stories a lot but I never thought about how unrealistic it is. Now I will definitely have that in my brain if I come across it again.

  9. Cris

    Legend rant! And it’s so true– you see it everywhere in romance novels, but it truly is a bad idea. Unless you want to shake the condom packet so that the condom slides to the very bottom and there’s enough room for you to sink your teeth in at the top & open it without risking damage to what’s inside. But it’s unlikely that there’ll be enough room… and doing all that defeats the urgency the whole opening-the-packet-with-your-teeth is trying to convey!

    Maybe we should see more unexpected but-we-used-a-condom! pregnancies in romance novels to get people to realise it’s not a smart idea? 😛

  10. JoAnne

    Of course – a little hole will undo what the condom is used for – to prevent pregnancy or spread disease. Duh!
    Interesting post, thanks for sharing!
    jbcweiss AT sbcglobal DOT net

  11. Simply Ali

    I’ve never thought about it, probably because I’ve never done it and now I wonder who w in their right mind would lol

  12. Renee M

    I remember one romance novel that the heroine put the condom on the hero with her mouth/teeth and kinda cringed thinking ewwwe, latex and lubricant!! But now the whole ripping the wrap with your teeth is bringing the Ickkkk factor to a new level. Note to self … NO TEETH will be used in the frantic use of a condom.

  13. rinib

    I have to agree with your rant, and yes, I knew that was a bad idea, along with using ones that are really old. I did laugh at your excerpt – snaggled teeth?

  14. Cathy P

    What a great rant, and oh, so true! I have also read about condoms being opened with the teeth, and each time, I wondered if it was safe to use it. I think they need to have more accidental pregnancies in books that talk about the hero opening the condom with his teeth. I don’t know, but it’s hard to say how many men do that in real life, but if they do, they need to stop. I’m sure it tastes terrible. Ick!

  15. Nicola O.

    Oh hey now, I think you can tear the package with your teeth without endangering the condom. It’s not like you’re biting into the middle of the thing. Who among us has not opened a ketchup packet or those airline pretzels with teeth? Hmmm?

    I got no beef with teeth on the foil package. (Heh). As long as they aren’t snaggle-teeth. Yeechh. (no need to enter me, I’m already a big fan of all of the Vegas Top Guns)

  16. Audrey Gilliam

    Thats a lttlle sad, come on ladies when rip open a condom with your teeth, you put the tip of the pack in and snatch open. Simple not hard but simple.

  17. Cathy V

    I’m so glad you ranted about this! I thought I was just being too practical when reading those scenes with the condom wrapper being opened with teeth and thinking “tsk tsk, that is poor condom protocol, don’t these people remember anything from Sex Ed 101?!” Saying that, if you are careful and move the condom within the package I think it’s a bit safer, but to write those details into a story would make it far less sexy of a scene! I also wonder about morning breath during the morning kissing/sex scenes, but that could just be my issue 😛

    1. Katie Porter

      Hi ladies!

      I’m so very happy that I’m not alone in my cringe face! Hee!

      And sure, I’ve opened ketchup packets with my teeth. But the worst case scenario with that is a little squish of red on my shirt. The worst case scenario with a condom is a little squish of…baby. *ahem*


    2. Audrey Gilliam

      Lol! Morning breath is a deal broker, when you know that your breath is doing some Jackie Chan moves in your mouth in the morning dont kiss me!!! I dont care if we are spouses, somethings you sudden sure with your spouse. That is one of them!

  18. Laurie

    I think I’ve been reading too many PNR because they never use a condom cause they “can’t get human diseases”. However, it would be an ick just like when they roll over in the morning and go at it, I have to imagine somewhere they got up early and brushed their teeth!


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