My friends! Guess what?! Today is Tori’s birthday! Yes, @smexys_sidekick herself!) I’m so excited and I love this post! (And it’s also Danielle Kendall and Brianna (TBV)’s birthday too!) However, I only pounced on one of them. For today. 😀 So yes. I put the birthday girl to work. She agreed, ok?!?!
Birthdays, Mrs. Beasley, and Ivory Soap
After I turned 40, I have stopped celebrating birthdays. I like to take the day to something I want to do or rather, what the kid thinks I want to do. When Limecello asked me if I wanted to post on her birthday post I was thrilled. I started thinking about birthdays and I was reminded of a story my mom STILL loves to tell and I enjoy telling.
Growing up, I was a hellion. I didn’t mean to be bad but I had a lot of energy and my mama said I was much too smart for my own good. lol Trouble didn’t find me…I actively looked for it.
For my 4th birthday I decided that I wanted a Mrs. Beasley doll. Nothing else would do.
My birthday dawned bright and beautiful. I’m a summer baby and June in Indiana is about as good as it can get. So excited, I sat down and bounced my way through breakfast. My mom said I talked a mile a minute-all about Mrs. Beasley. After committing some mild misdemeanors (apparently I decided that our goldfish Goldie and Hawn wanted to visit the ocean via the toilet, our basement stairs were perfect for box sledding, and I needed a birthday haircut) it was BIRTHDAY TIME!!!!!
My mom dressed me in my favorite flag overalls and matching striped t shirt. Don’t judge, it was 1974. Newly cut hair was snapped into tiny stubby ponytails, and we gathered around the cake. As everyone began to sing Happy Birthday my mama says I waved my hands around and said, “No, no, no. No cake. I want Mrs. Beasley.” My mama, being the awesomelicious person she is, handed me my fondest dream come true. Mrs. Beasley. I was in HEAVEN. She was beautiful. She talked and her clothes came off. w00T!
Now, my bestest friend in the whole wide world at that time was Jimmy Kowalski. He was 5 and my on and off boyfriend depending on what flavor of ice cream his mom had that week. Jimmy and I shared everything, so I suspect he thought Mrs. Beasley was no different. Poor Jimmy. He learned the hard way about women and sharing that day.
Everyone wanted to play with Mrs. Beasley and we were all happy until mama found out I was charging all the kids a quarter to hold her for 10 minutes (which in 4 yr old time was about 2 seconds). So she sent us outside to play and give her some peace and quiet. Now this part I remember like it was yesterday. We were all playing on the swing set when Jimmy came up and rudely snatched Mrs. Beasley out of my hands. I guess he was cheesed because I wasn’t paying him any never mind. So there he was, running around me in circles, swinging Mrs. Beasley over his head calling me a doll playing poopyhead. The nerve, right? When my mama stuck her head out to see what the fuss was about she heard me say, clear as day, “Give me back Mrs. Beasley you god d*$#m son of a b&^*h.” *thud* You could have heard a pin drop. Now me, not having an ounce of self preservation, repeated word for word what I said when my mama asked me what I had just said. Then I walked over snatched my doll back and socked Jimmy in the nose.
Jimmy squealed and ran home. Of course I got in a load of trouble. My mama didn’t believe in spankings but she believed in the gospel according to Ivory. Ivory soap. To this day I cannot even smell it without my mouth watering and that nasty taste drifting across on my tongue. *shudder* After a good old fashioned mouth scrubbing and lecture, my mama frog marched me to Jimmy’s house to apologise.
Did I apologise?
Yes, I did. I told him I was sorry I punched him in the nose but he was never to touch my god d*$#m doll again. After another communion with Ivory soap, my mama sat me down and asked if I understood WHY I was getting a mouth full of Ivory instead of cake and going to bed early.
I replied, “Yes. Because that son of a b&^*h Jimmy wouldn’t leave my god d*$#m doll alone.”
I don’t think it was long after that before my mama started having little wine “pick me ups” during the day.
Come on – that was hilarious. So wish the birthday girl[s] a very happy, special day, with perhaps less interesting children, and more with the wine, yes? ;D
Oh and specifically – remember to wish Tori a very happy goddamn birthday, okay?!
how funny! Happy Heck of a Birthday Tori! Also, Happy Birthday to Danielle and Brianna!
I didn’t share my Mrs. Beasley doll with anyone either. Never had to punch anyone in the nose tho. Tori I laughed so hard at this story, I almost fell off my sofa. Hope you are having a totally kick-ass birthday and no one tries to steal your gifts this year.
IIIIIIIII love love LOVE this post 😀 Hah. Oh my gosh – I don’t know what I’d do if I ever have kids and they’re like you. XD
But at least you have excellent stories! 😉
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you little terror <3
[And happy birthday to Danielle and Brianna too! Birthday triplets of an awesome triumvirate!]
Happy **bleeping** birthday. And I promise not to touch your god d*$#m doll.
ROFL! Happy birthday, dearest Tori! And I promise not to touch Mrs. Beasley, ever! Except maybe for 2 seconds, with permission 😉
OMG…I promise not to touch your G-D doll! But I will wish you a happy birthday 🙂
You had me laughing!!
I hope all your birthdays are just as colorful!!!
I hope you had a G*$# d&#@ happy birthday! I love birthdays so hard!
Happy Birthday! Forget the doll–cake and champagne all around.
Happy Birthday! That story was a hoot! Do any of your children take after you?
HaP:pY BIRTHDaY! God BleSs U on UR SpeCiAl DAY!!
Best birthday story ever! Happy birthday Tori and Danielle!!