Tag Archives: Authors

Condoms Don’t Like Teeth (Guest Katie Porter Vents)

Condoms Don’t Like Teeth
By Katie Porter

It really seems like this should be a fairly straight forward concept. Condoms are thin. Super, duper thin, and we all know why—to increase the sexy times fun feelings, of course. Hell, Trojan condoms were sold by the tag line “Feels like nothing is there!” Of course that calls to mind plenty of other…shortcomings? Shall we say?

But we get the point. (Omg. Unintentional pun, I swear.)

Now. What do we need to keep away from condoms? Sharp things. Just like a balloon, condoms are poppable. And what’s at the front of our mouths? Sharp implements designed for cutting bites of meat off your food. Your teeth.

So why in the name of god would you rip open a condom wrapper with your teeth? Do you really want to put a microscopic hole in something that’s protecting your sexual health?

Which brings me to my point: I am SO VERY sick of reading this action in contemporary romance novels. In my head, they get five points for mentioning condoms—and then fifty bajillion points taken away for “ripping the condom open with his teeth.” I would personally rather have no mention of condoms. In that case, I can fill in the blanks just like I fill in heroines stopping to pee and brush their teeth in the morning. Maybe that level doesn’t need to be on the page, that’s fine.

But please God, don’t show me the characters being stupid about it! I get it’s supposed to indicate eagerness. The hero’s really into her, I understand that. I probably also understood it when he was walking about the pages with permanent priapism and when h thinks of naughty things whenever he looks at the heroine, but I liked that part. It’s lusty, not stupid. (Well, maybe a wee bit stupid too. But not all.) I mean, didn’t these characters have ninth grade sex ed? Maybe they were too busy gathering up a tragic back-story to go to boring ole’ sex education.

Now, in closing, I’m going to leave you with a spectacularly cringe inducing example. It’s not from a romance novel (thank the sweet baby jebus) but I’m hoping it’ll…stick around in your head a little while. A what-not-to-do, shall we say?

When he ripped the condom packet open with his slightly snaggled teeth and rolled the latex onto his birthmarked penis.

Leah from Hold ’Em never chews on her condom packets. Nor does she truck with snaggled teeth or imperfect penises.  Of course she whacks Captain Michael Templeton, her hero, with a flogger, a cane and a paddle, but that’s an entirely different blog post. Neither do Ryan nor Jon, the heroes from the first two Vegas Top Guns ever rip a condom open with their teeth, either. (See what I did there? So pluggy. It’s a failing of mine.) No condoms will ever be hurt in the writing of Katie Porter books, this I swear!


Up next for Katie Porter, the co-writing team of Carrie Lofty and Lorelie Brown:

Now that the first three of the RT BookReviews 4½ Star Top Pick “Vegas Top Guns” series have been released, readers can anticipate the final two installments, Hard Way and Bare Knuckle, in 2013.

November brings the m/m Christmas-themed Came Upon a Midnight Clear, described as “masterful” by Publishers Weekly. In January, Lead and Follow  will launch the five-part “Club Devant” series of erotic multi-partner romances set in a hot New York City burlesque club.

Where to find us: website, Twitter: @MsKatiePorter, or individually: @carrielofty and @LorelieBrown

We’d like to give away a copy of Double Down, Inside Bet or Hold ‘Em (winner’s choice) in any format. Just answer the question: Did you know it’s a bad thing to nibble on condoms?

Thanks again to Limecello for letting me vent!

News and a Plea… of sorts…

So you obviously know about my fledgling blog if you’re here. (And can I just tell you how jazzed I am that you are? Big sloppy thank yous!) Anyway, I’m trying to make this thing sustainable, and I have the attention span of a two year old (that’s being generous). Those two are rather conflicting purposes? Concepts? Truths?

My point is, I scheduled in advance then. I’ve asked a few authors to guest blog. Not as book tours or anything like that (though I’m open to the potentiality of those  – you can contact me on the nifty form you see above) – just as a… fun thing and a “regularly scheduled programming” type thing for my blog. Also, it keeps me accountable and on the ball. I also didn’t want this to turn into a promo blog because, well that’s not my purpose. I love pimping out authors and sharing the awesome book love, but that’s not my goal so I’ve got guest reader bloggers lined up too. Nearly through 2012. Yes, through. This is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, so it’s thrilling to get the chance now. I’ve only had one outright rejection, and a few non-responses. [You can see the “schedule” as it were on the nice little calendar page.]

Which takes us to my plea. Does anyone know how to add a widget to a wordpress blog page? The kicker is… this is a free blog. I know if I pay to have it hosted somewhere, then it’d be easy and I’d just edit the HTML/CSS/whatever. (Ok, so I’m not techy but I could figure it out.) The thing is, I’m poor. I’ve got to keep this thing free, unless the magic money fairy visits me and plants a money tree in the back yard that flowers USD perpetually, or I win the lottery, the probability of either of those things happening feels about equal to the likelihood of me finding a job… < / bitterness > You get the point. So… would that be possible? Having a calendar widget type thing in a new page without having to go into CSS editing since I can’t with a free blog? I’d love to have something in calendar view that’s actually a calendar. Anyone? Help?

And, back to your “regularly scheduled programming.” I considered for about 5 seconds doing daily posts. That’s not going to happen. So I thought about three a week, then was scared I’d run out of content, so I’m planning on updating every Tuesday, and Saturday. These Thursday posts – well they serve dual purposes. For me to tell you about how this is all going to go down, and also to have a bit more content since this blog is so very new.

The first Tuesday of every month I’ll be having a “Guest Author & A Giveaway.” February is slightly different because Marie Force will be visiting with us the third Tuesday, because Alexandra Hawkins won’t actually be doing a guest post due to her schedule. June is also different because it’s my birthday month, and if I can’t do it up big on my own blog… well that’s not a concern because I can. The third Saturday of every month will be a guest blog post from a reader. First up, we have Rowena, who was incredibly kind and generous and agreed to be my first v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶reader guest.

Photo credit to Salvatore Vuono & http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

If there’s ever “breaking news” [hah- cuz I’m so on top of things] you know, I’ll toss that in there. Or another fundraising drive like Social Good day. 🙂 So there you have it. Now you know what to expect, and you can keep me accountable! Also come February I expect to schedule posts at say 12:03 AM instead of 11:03 AM EST… Yes, they are arbitrary and random times. Kinda like me! 😉

*Incidentally, if you’ve emailed me but I never responded… I’ve learned from some other people that my email account has been… well, a brat, and rejecting things? Generally a second try works – but… do please try again! I’m not ignoring you, promise! And even though I’m bad with email I’m usually not that bad…